new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
two words...techno handjob
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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