so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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