Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Let's paint friendship bongs
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
