Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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