just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
