i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
