Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
