There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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