I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
