There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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