Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
