I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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