Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
