Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
