god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.