i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
