there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
