I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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