is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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