her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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