Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
