I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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