Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
