He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
