Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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