im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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