I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize