My cat gives me a boner
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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