let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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