her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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