It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
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What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.