I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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