im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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