I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
