Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
