You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
