At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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