If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
