I can tuck mytits in my pants
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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