I got chris browned last night
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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