Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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