a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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