Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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