am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
