I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize