my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
