Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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