I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?