Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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