I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
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There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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