i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
