Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
