Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
